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D day was almost three months ago and I don’t know if we are going to make it. My WH has now apologized many times. But he doesn’t want to go to any more counseling (after two sessions) because it "makes him feel bad." Things are ended with the OW, mostly because I figured out she didn’t know he was married and she dropped him quickly when I told her we had been married for forty-three years. I wasn’t mean, I think she was lied to the whole time too. I have not shared any of this with our two adult sons, even though one shares the household with his family and would be affected if we divorce.

So tonight, things erupted when I asked my WH to limit communication with his old buddy who helped him cheat the entire time. This guy keeps calling and I know he would not mind at all if our marriage tanked. And that led to a blowup about how I can’t let things go. No, it’s true, I can’t sweep two years of cheating under the rug. My WH got really ugly and I left the room. He has PTSD, and once he reaches that stage, there is no communicating with him anyway. So I have to decide what to do, R seems pretty impossible if he won’t put more effort in. I would really like to consult with my son, but I don’t want to destroy his relationship with his father. Please all of you, give me advice.

You need your family's support. Absolutely tell your kids. You won't destroy their relationship. If anything, he did that. But you can also tell them what happened with just the facts. You dont have to name call, etc. I'm sure you wouldn't do that anyway. Depending on whether or not he takes ownership of his actions will determine if the kids decide to cut him off. Often, the adult children dont cut off the parent for good, but do lose respect for a while for the cheating parent.

Thank you. I did tell my son and he clearly already suspected what had happened. He was supportive of whatever I decide.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, too.

One piece of advice we give for those who want to R (reconcile) is that any friends who are not friends of the M (marriage) and facilitated or encouraged the A (affair) are cut off. He shouldn't "limit" communication, he should entirely never contact the old buddy.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. (You can read it, too.) Another good resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WH needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Too bad that it makes him "feel bad" - he needs to work on the reason he feels bad and to find better coping mechanisms.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs. If you're having trouble with anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds.

It takes years to heal from betrayal trauma, so this isn't a case of you "not letting it go", you're trying to heal.

ETA: Tell who you need to tell, including your adult children. If they're adults, they can maintain their own relationship with their dad.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:28 PM, Thursday, August 21st]