SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D day was over 3 years ago. We subsequently married (2 years afterwards) and life is amazing. I still struggle from time to time and think about the affair a lot but we both learned from it, changed our lives and are living (mostly) happily ever after. Our relationship is better than before for sure.

I am getting obsessive thoughts though, I want to discuss it all, and ask questions (and possibly throw recriminations if I'm being really honest). I did plenty of that for the first year. Thing is, there is stuff I still don't know. I didn't go down the route of getting every single detail because I couldn't bear the pain and I would have probably physically hurt him.

I have niggling questions. He obviously would prefer we never mention it again due to the shame and guilt he feels and he hates that he hurt me so much.

I don't know what I would achieve by asking. But they aren't going away. Do I ask? Or just hope they recede in time and accept I will ever get full closure on everything?

Any help welcome thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Over nine years now since discovery, and those intrusive thoughts still exist for me.

Those thoughts never take over or ruin a day anymore, but I do have to deal with them and then file them back into the past where they belong.

If I have questions to this day, I will ask. Questions don’t happen much anymore, most of those endless loop things seem to be wrapped up. I just know if I need to, I can ask about it.

We tend to get the relationship we aim for, and if your relationship is indeed better than before, then this is a conversation you need to have with your spouse.

It should start with everything you mentioned here — that you are mostly in happily ever after — but you didn’t get the answers you needed about the A to fully heal.

And you can point out, you’re not bringing it up to make him feel bad, you’re bringing it up so you can finish processing your own emotional trauma.

I will add, I think my wife answered my one million questions, and human memory is not perfect, so I also understand I’ll only ever have ‘enough’ of the truth to move forward.

Maybe set up one or two talks, or if you have and trusted MC or IC in the area to sit down with you for a couple talks.

The key is NOT to bury it, it will evolve into resentments, if it hasn’t already.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:17 PM, Sunday, June 22nd]

I agree with Oldwounds. I'm writing to add:

If you can, I recommend asking yourself something like, 'What positive outcome do I hope for in asking this question?' If you can't think of a positive outcome, my reco is to hold off asking that question.

When I was 3 years out, I still had a bunch of questions that led to the positive outcomes I was looking for when I asked.

Every honest question and answer builds healthy bonds, IMO.

Wonderfully wise words thank you both so much for taking the time to reply 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Hi there.

In my case at 3 years out if I had burning questions, I wrote them down. I legit had and still have a spreadsheet.

I found that once I wrote them down, as well as any known reasoning for them to have crept in my mind, they stopped circling around my mind. When I visit that spreadsheet a few days later - if they still were a burning questions, I would figure out a time/way to ask about them. Funny thing is - once I wrote them down and got them out of my head - they didn't bother me quite as much. Most of those things, I found I could let go.

The few times they do, I find a good time and we have a productive discussion. I then actually thank him for the calm/rational discussion, tell him his answers [weather I like them or not] were honest and I can now put that haunting thought to rest. He usually [gently] asks what brought this up after all this time, I respond with whatever caused it and he responds with compassion and understanding as well as yet another apology. We both then take some self care time apart. And found that while the discussion was uncomfortable and sometimes the self care time is lonely - better to take those few hours to deal with it than let it fester only to explode later on.

I still had questions at 4 years out. But I didn’t always need to ask them.

Mostly they were for my own reassurance lol. And we all know that anyone anywhere anytime can swear up and down to do/not do something but will turn around and do it anyway.

I focused on actions. However if something appears off I will question it. Not accusatory but "hey I noticed blah blah blah".

However as others pointed out, it’s not good to bury things either. But maybe think on the question for awhile to see if time passes and you still need to ask it. Often you work your way out of the moment and either realize you have the answer, you won’t get a different response and you have accepted the info.

However if things just don’t add up — you must address it. If he says "I met up with the OW after work and I came straight home" but the mileage on the car says differently or the location tracker says differently, then those are things that should be addressed. If the lie continues, then on those situations you need to decide your next move.

I hope this helps you.