SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To all wayward partners who might be stuck out there in self recrimination:

You came here to confess.

You, like I, fucked up in no small measure, on keeping good the societal metrics of honesty, the very basis of a well-functioning society. You fucked up your communications. You may have lost your intimate relationship permanently, or you may be reconciled and now need to live in a permanent till death state of ambiguity or questioning with that partner.

You may have lost the respect of friends, family members, children. You have, like me, measured by many good metrics, Failed. You did not keep to what to most seems to be a simple promise.

I want to tell you wholeheartedly:
You
Are
Forgiven.

You are not forgiven because your marriage survived.
You are not forgiven because you have become a better partner.
You are not forgiven because you still have your house or because you still have your job.

And even if nobody else ever forgives you, please, forgive yourself.

Take responsibility. Make the amends you can. But whatever their outcome, forgive yourself.

I appreciate the sentiments you share here as I do think a key to recovery and getting to the other side is having self compassion. Understanding that yes, you have done a very bad thing. It damaged you, your spouse, and others in the process.

But through self investigation, we can understand what happened, how it happened, why it happened. We can touch our own humanity and know it doesn’t have to define us fully as a person. We are all light and dark, armed with this information we can learn how following the light can help us to see ourselves through a different lens over time.

We are devinely loved, even of religion isn’t someone’s thing, most people can understand we have a soul. And that soul is here to have a human experience. But that soul is our higher self and loves us unconditionally. For me, I believe we all collectively have that God/source energy within us, and it’s what makes us inherently worthy and deserving of a happy love filled with love and joy. We just have to get our human counterpart to get out of its own way.

Forgiveness can be tricky because everyone defines it differently. I don’t forgive having the affair. I will always hate that I did it. But I accept it happened, I accept the natural consequences, and I believe I have a good heart and have learned that I can safely choose myself and love myself despite all my bad decisions, mistakes, regrets, and imperfections. Because it was those versions of me who brought me where I am today.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on forgiveness, because what I found early on my journey is you can’t force it. Peace comes when you can integrate all parts of yourself and not overly emphasize any part of your journey to have more meaning than another. In other words, yes I have had moments that I look back and see the disgusting things I did. But they don’t weigh more than all the beautiful things I have done, and all I can do is strive to do more beautiful things; to live in my heart more than my head so I can do all things in love - both for myself and others.