SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Nuke

1. Do not let her DARVO or gaslight you.
2. She had many options and she choose the worst one to cheat.
3. I don't understand why she is blaming you for her loss of 50% of the time with the children.

I assume she is blaming you because you verbally or non verbally let he know reconciliation is off the table?

If she blames you for catching her then my friend you have a Narc and you need to be diligent and protect yourself.

We all talked and I put on a fake smile for the sake of my children. My WW went into bed w/our youngest and fell asleep. I stayed up, confused, not knowing how to feel about everything, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, a state of helplessness.

Well, damn she came back to business-as-usual home life. I thought from what you posted that at least your oldest had some knowledge of her transgressions? Did you sleep in the same bed the past 2 nights? If you can, change that ASAP.

Time to talk. 95% of the talk was about me, and my transgressions (of course) and how she hates me for the fact that she may now only get to see the kids 50% of the time (custody). I tried reminding her that cheating was a choice and that she made that choice regardless of what I had done previously. I also told her that even if we had already split up prior, sleeping with a married man, a man who you work with, is wrong on so many levels as it is, so please take some accountability for your actions. That didn't go over well. After awhile, i just gave up and told her that I'm done allowing her to hurt me verbally - her actions were enough, but the verbal abuse, I just can't, and won't, deal with anymore.

Blame shifting. Hope you were able to use Bigger's lines, at least one time, in your conversation with your WW. Get used to telling her "I'm sorry you feel that way" repeatedly when she tries to blame you and throw stuff at you. Tell her that and then walk away. Leave the house if you can. The goal, though, is to avoid as many of the conversations as you can. The first conversation is almost unavoidable, ok you have gotten it over with, Beetrain. From here on out: 180!180! 180! You are a gray rock to her! Limit the conversations to the children and logistics of the house. No feelings, no emotions. Do not conduct an 'autopsy' of your marriage at this time. She's going to want to do this so she can blame you and give her some sort of validation and justified reason for her affair and actions. Do not give her the opportunity to do so.

You will soon learn that more contact with her just leads to more hurt for you.

I don't know if you told her explicitly that you've retained an attorney. If you have, you can always refuse to discuss anything and tell her to talk to your attorney.

I hope your attorney is filing the Petition for Divorce soon. In Texas, you cannot serve your wife yourself so it will have to be by a process server. Since you both work from home, you will need to discuss with your attorney when your WW will be served. I highly advise that you make yourself scarce that day. Heck, if there's any night to grab a hotel room, that will be the night to do so. Unless, that is, you and your attorney are seeking primary residency of the house through a Temporary Order, then your WW will need to find a place to go. I hope you discussed this with your attorney.

I’m glad to see you survived with your sanity intact after the first 24 hours. That was the best you could hope for.

She gave you insight into her position on what she believes (cheating is all YOUR fault) and what to expect the next few days/weeks/months.

I think you did exceptionally well by being present for your kids and making the best out of the situation.

So the person who said:"Divorce me? F U, I'm divorcing you!" now hates you for the fact that she may now only get to see the kids 50% of the time. The only way she wouldn't lose any time with the kids would be if you weren't around at all. Don't mean to scare you but you did write that she said "if I "use the kids against me (her)," she'd "fucking kill me". What exactly was her plan? For you to fold and give her all your property, full custody, child support and alimony in the divorce? Get a VAR and protect yourself, she seems like a nut.

How are you beetrain6?

Thanks for asking. In all transparency, I don’t know. I just feel numb. I felt more like myself when she was away, when I had time alone with the kids, than I do this morning.

I can’t concentrate. I feel lost. I can’t get out of this funk.

I wish I had never found out. I would do anything to not feel this way.

I’m typically a strong ass person but not today

Nobody is ever ready for this shit man. All I can say is that it gets better over time.

If there's a silver lining to this it's that you found out now and not later down the road when she's had more time to get her ducks in a row, blindside you even worse, and really put the screws to you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am. Stay ahead of this and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:26 PM, Monday, August 31st]

If there's a silver lining to this it's that you found out now and not later down the road when she's had more time to get her ducks in a row, blindside you even worse, and really put the screws to you.

I'll tell you this...and I've heard several of you mention it, but I didn't realize how much wisdom y'all had in my infancy stage. I've come to the realization that she's more mad at me b/c I ruined her exit plan, her A, the ability to F the OM behind my back for god knows how long. She keeps claiming that this was her way out yet she hid it from me for several months. There's no way of telling if she would have EVER told me had I not looked through her phone. She's full of shit, and I'm a broken man at this point. She's mad b/c the fantasy ended on MY terms and not hers. Really, you didn't think (more importantly care) what our kids would think of this? How doing this means you lose them 50% of the time? C'mon man.

Anyway, I live to breathe another day. I get to see my beautiful children in the next hour. I have the ability to forget, even if it's for a small period of time.

and I need a hug - bad.

If I was there I'd offer you one. My situation wasn't the same as yours, but I have a very good idea of how you feel.

No matter how it goes down, infidelity sucks bad for everyone who experiences it

Sending you a firm bro hug, Beetrain.

You have to be selfish to have an A. And part of selfishness is a lack of empathy.

No, she didn’t think about how it would affect her kids. Or you. Or AP’s wife. Or anyone else for that matter. Her fantasy collided with reality and reality remains undefeated.

She’s still clueless though. Hasn’t even figured out that she’s the bad guy in all this.

Sorry you’re suffering.

Question, do the cheaters ever encounter a moment of epiphany or reflection, or is my WW a lost cause

[This message edited by beetrain6 at 8:59 PM, Monday, August 31st]

The beauty of that question is that in six months you’ll care a whole lot less about the answer.

Beetrain6:

You're grieving your marriage, it's ok to feel what you're going through right now. Totally normal. You also need to consider that you're not just grieving the death of your marriage but also the loss of your wife. YOUR OLD WIFE! Not the woman who stands in her place today, that is not the woman that you married. You would have never married a woman, much less let her bear your children, that could do this to you. She has changed and is no longer the woman that you married. And it's ok to grieve that loss. But please do not let your WW see you grieve your loss. Since you've blown up her best laid plans, expect her to start scrambling to save what she can. It may not be the marriage but if she sees you becoming emotional, she'll start playing on your emotions to get you to take some responsibility for her actions... that you allowed the relationship to become distant, that you stopped being romantic with her, that you allowed the marriage to become a roommate situation, whatever.

You are exactly right- if she really wanted out, she would have come to you months ago to start the divorce process. But she didn't. She had you exactly where she wanted you, clueless and living your life, unknowingly, as her back up plan in case things didn't work out with the OM. You will not accept this.

Have you told her family (parents and any siblings) of her affair? You should do so. It will be tough depending on your prior relationship with them. Expect them to support your wife. Blood is thicker than water, even if you had a great relationship with them. Put it in a way that they cannot use it against you. Do not do expose in a vengeful manner rather tell them of the discovery of the affair, the identity of the OM and that your wife will need their support going through a divorce and possibly the loss of her job. You may even hint, if not outright request, that they allow your WW to stay with them for a time until things die down and emotions calm. You said you felt better when she was away, right? Try and do this to get her away from you, it may work, it may not. But if you do this in a non-vengeful way, it will be harder for her to claim that you're an asshole to her family.

Did you retain an attorney? Is your attorney ready to file? What's the plan for serving your WW?

Keep taking action Beetrain. Spend time with your kids. Stay busy at night. Please tell me you are not still sharing a bed with your WW. You have a gym you can go to right? Release your frustrations and anger at the gym lifting heavy weights and pounding on a heavy bag. You've probably noticed a loss of appetite and resultant weight loss this past week. Use it to your advantage. Eat clean when you get your appetite back. This will help, to an extent, with the feelings of brokenness. Continue with the gray rock/180 towards your wife and detach.

Sending strength. Grieve the end of your M, help your children, and begin your healing journey. I agree with Sharkman. As you move forward you will find you won’t care about whether she ever feels remorse or who she is with. Your goal is indifference.

I'll tell you this...and I've heard several of you mention it, but I didn't realize how much wisdom y'all had in my infancy stage. I've come to the realization that she's more mad at me b/c I ruined her exit plan, her A, the ability to F the OM behind my back for god knows how long. She keeps claiming that this was her way out yet she hid it from me for several months. There's no way of telling if she would have EVER told me had I not looked through her phone. She's full of shit, and I'm a broken man at this point. She's mad b/c the fantasy ended on MY terms and not hers. Really, you didn't think (more importantly care) what our kids would think of this? How doing this means you lose them 50% of the time? C'mon man.

Anyway, I live to breathe another day. I get to see my beautiful children in the next hour. I have the ability to forget, even if it's for a small period of time.

It is only going to get worse. She is going to hold onto this resentment she will eventually even gaslight you into believing she would have wanted to reconcile but you're reaction made her feel "unsafe"

The only thing to do in these situations is emotionally detach and protect yourself from whatever more insane BS she feels entitled to heap upon you.

You ruined her plans. Boo hoo. You need to build your support system and make sure she is not given space to set the narrative. This means telling your side of the family and even perhaps having a chat with her parents even if they never liked you. They need to know who blew up the marriage and who is acting selfish and entitled.