SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I caught my husband red handed texting a female he met three days ago. I’m the type of wife who has always been trusting, never kept him locked in. I have never needed to worry about him straying away. He went to the beach on a Friday with his friend for his bday, he went all day and didn’t come back until 12 at night. I destroyed him for that because he works long hours and sometimes doesn’t even have time to spend with me and my son. I told him, if you have time to spend all day and night with your friend, then you have time to take your son out for a walk every day regardless of how busy you are with work. He said sorry, you’re so right… I will work on it… I’m sorry. Saturday he took us to a splash pad, we had dinner with my son, it was a great day. Sunday we went swimming and came home. Monday our son had a very bad stomach virus, he’s two. I was cleaning up puke every where, did laundry fives times, he worked all day long, come 8 pm he says he has to meet a client. I never thought any of it because many of his clients I know and after work they usually go and drop off cash for my husband. However I couldn’t find my phone and I used his to call it, that’s when I found out… he met a girl that Friday. The Friday I told him how hurt I was for not spending time with us, then I find out he was texting her all weekend and on MONDAY, when his child was sick as heck, he decided, that’s the night I’m about to throw it all away. I said who the hell is this and why are you called her baby and sexy. And why do you want to kiss her lips so bad. I was ready to throw hands and beat the living shit out of my husband, but I couldn’t because our son was right infront of us. Our marriage wasn’t great, it suffered but mostly because of him. He wanted to move out of country so we moved into my parents basement , after living in our own home. I supported his dreams, said okay this way we can save more. But it only put a strain on our marriage being here, we have no privacy, our sex life struggled, he works 16 hours a day , then I’m with my son all day. I’m tapped out and I feel like he has made me feel because I don’t give him enough attention or affection or sex. That that’s why he went looking somewhere else. I feel so disgusted , I feel so betrayed. He said he doesn’t know if he would of done anything. I said I don’t care if you banged her ten times, the texts where there, you had intentions and you’re sorry you got caught. Now he’s crying like a baby, saying he can’t lose us, he wants therapy, he wants us to get help but now I’m pissed, I now have to work on my marriage issues from before , all while navigating how to trust again and forgive.

I will respond with more later but my first suggestion is do not start MC. Demand he starts IC to figure out what is missing and or broken inside him that led him to betray his marriage

agree with WB1340 - individual counseling for both of you, no marriage counseling right now.
You are so early in this, you don't need to make any decisions yet.

Praying for you.

I'm so sorry you're here. At least you've got a good group of people here who you can talk with, we're all here with you.

Your husband needs to do IC first. Take some time to think about what you want/need. It's early days for you, and this has to feel horrible. (I'm 2 months out and still riding the wave) Try and sleep, make sure to eat and stay hydrated. Talk here with us as much as you want/need.

Don’t fall for his crying and "poor me" act. He may only be upset because he was caught, not because he lied and cheated.

He betrayed you. He spent time with another woman. He planned to meet up with her. That is STILL CHEATING!

Do not go to marriage counseling. I urge you to find a counselor just for you. Someone who can help you navigate all of the challenges and issues you are facing.

He needs his own counselor as well. If he refuses I’d suggest it’s another red flag (but typical cheater behavior).

I’m so sorry you’re hear Frizzle.

This is not true:

I feel like he has made me feel because I don’t give him enough attention or affection or sex. That that’s why he went looking somewhere else.

You are not at fault for his decision to cheat. That’s something that you need to understand very clearly. He cheated because he wanted to. He cheated because there’s something the matter with him, not because there’s something the matter with you.

If he was lonely, he could have told you so. If he wanted more attention or affection or sex, those are things married couples need to discuss from time to time. If he was really unhappy he could have asked for counseling then. Or for a separation. You get my point - he had plenty of moral and honest options. Instead he saw someone in a bikini at the beach, flirted with her and got her number. No part of that is your fault.

No marriage could work otherwise. We have to choose to be married to our spouses everyday. Can you imagine being in a marriage where if you screwed up somehow - weren’t affectionate enough, or too tired for sex - that justified cheating? No way.

His friend that he went to the beach with - that guy’s an accomplice. That guy is no friend to your marriage. Is he married? Did he also meet someone at the beach? Maybe his wife ought to know. Either way, I’m not sure your WH can remain friends with him and regain your trust. How often do they pick up girls when they’re out?

Same question for the AP - is she married? If yes, then her husband needs to be informed. See if you can find out without your WH knowing. If you contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and your WH finds out about it, you’ll know they’re still in contact.

Speaking of which, he should send her a no contact letter.

Make sure to read the articles in the Healing Library here, there’s a lot of good information in them.