SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had an emotional connection with another man—messaging, videos, and some in-person contact—but no sex or sexual acts. I took multiple lie detector tests that confirmed this.

H, my husband, had a prior "situationship" i believe with a colleague about a year before my affair. At the time, when I asked about it, I was made to feel I was overreacting.he told her that I thought they was having an affair and because she made it clear she was interested that is when it all ramped up he told me.

During his admission, I found out she had offered him oral and told him he had kissable lips. He admitted he was "veterinarily tempted" because he wasn’t getting that attention at home and it boosted his ego . His admission came three months after my affair surfaced, yet he expects me not to be hurt. She has now left the workplace, but has popped in over the last three months, and H told her about my affair, which hurt deeply—why her?

At a work Christmas party (about 3 years ago), H participated in a pinching-bums game after a few drinks. Everyone, including all partners, was involved also, the game continued into the proffesional work place. I also noticed different mannerisms toward her than how he was with me, which felt unsettling. About a week ago, in a heart-to-heart, I asked him if he had anything to admit, feeling like it all needed to come out. That was his response.

Bur Because all of this was in a public setting he believes he done nothing wrong and is acceptable even though he said he overstepped and was tempted and is irrelevant because of my bad choices.

H has minimised and changed parts of his story, refused a lie detector test, and constantly compares my actions to his. During arguments, he has told me he had sex with her—but also says he only said it to hurt me. I feel like I have no weight if I call him out because he always deflects back to me i am not in no way trying to cancel out his feelings and emotions i just feel like he should be carrying some of this weight too as ive been carrying it for the past 3 months on my own feeling like the worst human ever am i right to feel this way?.

I am in therapy, trying to make myself a better version for the children, to be the wife he needs, and making progress with the house. Even though I’ve been honest and transparent, his unresolved actions, deflections, and intentional hurt leave me exhausted, frustrated, and deeply hurt. I want to move forward, but it feels like we’re trapped in a cycle where the past keeps getting replayed, making it hard to heal or feel safe in the relationship. I feel somewhat in limbo

[This message edited by Sadpenguin at 2:47 PM, Thursday, April 2nd]

As per the forum guidelines and the conditions to be eligible to post in the JFO forum this post is going to be moved to the Wayward forum.
As stated on the Main Page about the Just Found Out forum:

Your safe place to share your fears and pain with others experiencing the devastating discovery of infidelity and betrayal. We ask that only the Betrayed Spouse post in this forum as a newly hurting BS may not be ready to hear from a former Wayward Spouse OR Former Other Person.

Sadpenguin – this is done for your sake as well. The Wayward forum offers Mad Hatters (the term we use for those that are both betrayed and the betrayer in a relationship) better protection.

  Moving to Wayward Side

From what I've read here your husband is just as guilty as you are. I almost said "maybe even more" because he did it first, but infidelity is infidelity and neither of you appeared to know what the other was up to at the times of your affairs.

I'm not sure if I buy your husband's version and his refusal to take a polygraph test while you've taken multiple says a lot by itself, imo.

It seems to me he wants you to rugsweep his behavior and crucify you for yours. I don't see any signs of ownership or remorse from him at all.

Hi sadpenguin welcome to the club no one wants to join

I understand you both cheated each other and I know the pain from being betrayed yourself is what hurts the most.

I want to move forward, but it feels like we’re trapped in a cycle where the past keeps getting replayed, making it hard to heal or feel safe in the relationship. I feel somewhat in limbo

You can not move forward without proper healing.

Both of you.

The moment there’s a betrayal the relationship that was is dead, forever, so there is no "forward " anymore. You have to accept it and then when both partners have healed their wounds (as in wounds from cheating or being betrayed, in your case both for both of you) maybe you can assess if reconciliation is possible or desirable.

Cheating is not normal, even if it’s sold as that in cheaters narratives.

It tells you about deep unresolved issues in the cheater that prevents them to be a mature, safe partner (usually low self worth, people pleasing, ego issues).

Healthy way would be to end a relationship and then find someone else once you are completely over the past one. That’s never the case for cheaters.

You discovered the pain of both cheating and being cheated on. The second one, while the most painful, can fully heal when you abandon and eradicate the cheater from your life, present, future, memories. The best this person can be in your memories is as a paragon of all the things you will not tolerate in a relationship.

That’s about giving you a frame of reference

Now about the situation you have.

I feel you still have feelings for your husband. Right now you are experiencing betrayal trauma, which is a serious matter, a bad kind of ptsd. The fact he cheated first won’t alleviate your pain.

Counterintuitive, when you cheat you also betray the version of yourself that is good, worthy of respect and love. Once crossed that boundary you will carry on for life, because you cannot abandon your self like you can abandon a wayward partner.

So I get your difficult situation is a mix of pain and shame.

It is normal and if you start feeling the shame changing into guilt then is a clear sign of starting healing .

But your husband is not a bs. He is a cheater and you should act accordingly. He is lying to you and giving you trickle truths (you likely are doing the same ) and this is no ground to rebuild anything new. You will end up with trauma bonding and relieve and relapse this situation in the future.

That is bad.

Read about the 180, and understand you both need to break patterns to the a point where you will meet in the open, understanding why you both did what you did, feeling sorry for your other partner instead of shame, and taking steps to heal both.

You need to protect your emotions and understand the chaos that preceded what happened. Your wayward husband must do the same. Or you need to break up a toxic relationship.

180, read it and understand it, we are hear to hear you, you have been heard

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:32 AM, Friday, April 3rd]