SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been eating at me for months so I finally reached out to OBS. Did it through social media. Couldn't get a phone number and I'll leave showing up to their house unannounced as a last resort. We'll just see what happens.

The last straw for me was probably from this Tuesday. One of my requests to my wife was to tell me if she encountered AP at work that day (which was bound to happen). After allegedly not seeing him for months, I asked her Tuesday if he was in the thing she had to do on Monday. She reluctantly said yes. I lost it. I said why didn't you tell me?! How can I trust you?! It's like the wounds from 6 months ago were ripped wide open. We had a huge fight and we never do that. I yelled and cursed at her and never do that. I literally didn't care if he was in there, this was a trust building thing for my wife. She said she was going to tell me at our next counseling session (bs because we aren't even scheduled and haven't heard from the therapist). I just wanted her to show she is on board, instead she's still hiding or omitting things.

My wife has literally provided me with ZERO info that I didn't have to extract out of her. Shows no initiative to work on this. It's me pulling the cart. She has trickle truthed me for the last 6 months. She'll tell me she's fine over and over when I can clearly tell she's mad about something. This complete open and transparent communication thing is just lost on her.

There are a couple things she gave me answers to when she was being "super transparent" six months ago about the affair, that have now completely changed. And I'm not talking little details. I let her walk all the way to the end of her answer before asking her about her original answer. Then magically it changed again.

All this to say, her actions are telling me I have no base to trust her on and I'm taking what I can into my own hands. First step being telling OBS. Maybe I'll get some answers I need to get out of this.

This turned out longer than I initially planned and went on a rant. Sorry

It's me pulling the cart.

Stop pulling the cart.

It is extremely common for betrayed spouses hoping to reconcile to pull the cart. I felt the exact same way for several months. Until I started to truly understand that it doesn't work.

The best advice I ever received from SI members was step-back and detach from my wayward wife, to watch and observe what she chose to do with the opportunity - THE GIFT - that was being offered.

And that is the best advice I can offer. Step-back and detach from your wayward wife. Watch and observe what she chooses to do with the opportunity you've given to her. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

It may be helpful to read up on the 180. You'll find two posts on the 180 in the Healing Library.

Brother, I encourage every BS in R to realize that reconciliation is never a foregone conclusion, to let go of the outcome and get as comfortable as possible with either option, R or D.

You cannot reconcile alone.

I'm sorry she putting you through this. I know it's extremely frustrating and painful, confusing and scary.

She responded saying thank you for telling her. Said this is alot for her to process right now and that she does not need the proof. I laid it out pretty factually and hard to argue without any super details. She said she's sorry I'm going through it too. I told her she can always reach out if she has any questions or needs support in the future. She's already confronted AP about it.

You did the right thing. It is a difficult thing to do, but I commend you for giving her back her agency. I’m sure she is in shock, but as the reality sinks in, I suspect she will contact you again. Well done.

Yea we've already been talking a little. I let her know she can contact me whenever.

Awesome job TrashPanda. You took an important step in something you can control. And you helped another person. Now reality will start to materialize for him, and likely will trickle to your wife. Keep holding yourself with dignity. It sounds like your wife is not yet a good candidate for recovery.

Does your WW already know? Did OBS comment on whether she suspected anything or was she completely unaware?

My wife does not know I told OBS. And OBS does not seem like she suspected anything from how she talked.

Not only did you give her her agency, you took some of your own back. Good for you man. I think by her reaction you already know you did the right thing. This reckoning was overdue.

Did you ever have your wife take the polygraph ?

My wife does not know I told OBS.

Perfect! Don't tell her.

And OBS does not seem like she suspected anything from how she talked.

Now she knows, because of you. Well done. I'm sure you already know, be completely honest and open with her. You know what she's going through.

Unhinged gave you perfect suggestion:

Stop pulling the cart.

It is extremely common for betrayed spouses hoping to reconcile to pull the cart. I felt the exact same way for several months. Until I started to truly understand that it doesn't work.

The best advice I ever received from SI members was step-back and detach from my wayward wife, to watch and observe what she chose to do with the opportunity - THE GIFT - that was being offered.

It is almost 5 months since you joined SI and I hate to say this, but your wife doesn’t get it.

By that I mean she has no clue that she has continued to add more fuel to the fire. Or it may be she’s not all that invested and doesn’t care that she keeps negatively impacting you.

She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It’s short and will help provide a roadmap towards healing and recovery.

If she doesn’t read it, that’s a sign. And not a good one.

I always say it’s not the affair that kills the marriage it’s the behavior of the cheater after DDay that kills the marriage or relationship. And in this case it’s true - she continues to be shady and deceptive.

I’m suggesting you read up on the 180. Then do it!

My H was forced to change because at dday2 of affair 2 I changed. Long story short I thought we were R, found out he was still cheating and I snapped. Threw in the towel on the marriage.

Very calmly told him I was D him and did the very hard 180. After 2 days he very quickly realized he had no control over me or anything— I just pulled the rug out and stripped him of any say on anything.

Best thing I did — Standing up to him. He realized I was no longer a doormat and he could no longer get his own way.

On your case — I’d suggest you stop having fights and conversations with your wife. She’s not being transparent and you continue to bang your head against the wall trying to get her to change.

And it hasn’t worked so far.

You need to be prepared for the backlash when she finds out you told the OBS. (Proud of you for taking that step). When confronted by your wife when she finds out, you should ask - how did you find out? I’m hoping you didn’t tell your wife you did that btw and you can use it as leverage she still has contact with the AP.

Lastly when I decided to turn my back on my H (as I planned to D him) it was the best thing I did. I became a force to reckon with as my silence and hard 180 was hard to penetrate.

Somehow in 3 weeks he managed to show me enough of a change that I didn’t file for D. I decided to wait and see and he continued to do everything possible to make amends. In 13 years since I have not once had any issues with him cheating and trust has been restored.

But only because I took a stance that I am not the doormat I once was. And I stopped "trying" to get him to change. Either he did or I D him.

It was his choice to change. And IMO that is the only reason we are happily married.