SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short, discovered husband of 18 years having emotional affair last September. Left me and our daughter, he moved into a hotel to wait for his AP to leave her husband - she never did. November he wanted to come home, which I allowed with conditions. He lasted 1 day not contacting his AP (which no contact was one of my conditions), I told him he couldn't come back. He had a mental break down, threatened to harm himself, and was hospitalized. When he was released he stayed with his family and then a short term rental for December and January. He came to me in January wanting to meet all of my conditions and reconcile. I agreed. We both understood it would be hard work but wanted to recommit to our marriage. We skated thru February not really addressing anything, we were exhausted. March, I joined his therapy sessions as marriage counseling. He clearly had glossed over a lot with the therapist prior to me joining and had her seeing thru rose colored glasses. We did 3 sessions of therapy together before the counselor said she couldn't help us until he worked on more of himself (he wanted to avoid the affair and not hear any of my feelings about it). April, he was making poor decisions (texting with a random woman at a bar, come to find out he told her he was divorced) At this point I became numb - it was obviously a pattern, not an isolated incident. May I found out by phone records that he was in touch with a friend of the original AP, in order to "keep in touch" because they decided to remain friends. We basically were separated under the same roof at that point. He was unwilling to do anything to change his behaviors or work toward recommitting. June he declared that he is not "in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a while." During those months of living this nightmare, I was in the panic, fix it, devastated, desperate phase. July was spent getting things in order, preparing for him to move out (which he chickened out 3 weeks in a row). Last weekend, he finally moved out. Now that he is not here, I feel like I can think clearer now and see a lot of things in hindsight. I clearly thought our relationship was stronger than it was. I clearly did not know the man I was married to. I think he has had a midlife crisis but what is frustrating is his lack of wanting to make things better. He claims he is doing my daughter and I a favor by moving out and giving us the life we deserve (without him). I have done and said nearly everything I can to show him what he means to me but he obviously does not see my worth, he does not value our marriage, he doesn't want a future with me. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and now I see him as dishonest, cowardly, and an avoider. When we talk on the phone, it is short, about what our daughter is up to, the weather, the news - but he never asks how I am or shares how he is. I am struggling with detaching from a partner I thought I had. He is who I want to tell things to, share funny things that happen, ask advice from. Will he ever know how he has truly changed me, devastated me, what he meant to me, how he hurt me. It would nice to hear I was appreciated and recognize that I gave more chances than I should have. Will he ever miss me as much as I miss what I thought we had. How do they just shut off feelings for someone who would have gone to the ends of the earth for them?

Will he ever miss me as much as I miss what I thought we had. How do they just shut off feelings for someone who would have gone to the ends of the earth for them?

He may very well regret it. But never admit it.

How do they just shut off feelings for someone who would have gone to the ends of the earth for them?

We project our feelings onto them and think that they feel the same way. They don't. Sometimes, they will make us think that they do have the same feelings when they really don't. Some people are selfish and don't care if they hurt you because they're just in it for what they can get.

So sorry that you're hurting and that he treated you so badly.

Love it when they claim they are leaving for our good . Even if he really does regret everything, remorse is out of reach. And that is because there is some flaw in them that they just can’t get over themselves as the victim.

My ex has been a model ex- fair, kind, generous. We are not friends but we are nicer than civil now in the few times we need to interact. So I think he does regret hurting me. BUT. He has no idea what he did to me, how hard it was to pick up the pieces and move on. And I don’t think he every will, ,or even can.

I think you will find it easier to detach now that your rose-colored glasses are also off. A lot of your life with him was comfortable habit that felt safe. But it wasn’t safe. So he just a habit. And you can break a habit - just call it out when you feel it and acknowledge it. Then change the channel and do something different, just like if you are trying to quit smoking or biting your nails or stop boredom eating.

I am sorry he was not up to the grace you offered or willing to make himself uncomfortable and dig through his sh*t. You and your daughter are going to be okay - trust in that.

Sadie, guilt has a shelf life and for a cheater it barely makes it a day. Don’t try to understand him. It is futile and exhausting. You will never get enough answers to help you grieve. You accept he left. You accept that he cheated. Acceptance is the last stage of grief and don’t be surprised if a lot of anger shows up first. You haven’t hit that yet but when you do you are on your way out of infidelity.

I don’t know if SadieGrace is your real name but if so you need to change it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:09 AM, Sunday, August 17th]

Sadie Grace, I don't know if this is something you would consider but you could just send him what you wrote here. Minus the URL and site info, of course. You could amplify on it. If you want to express these feelings and at least have him cognitively aware of them, you could send him this (or something similar). That might unburden you. But you can't control how people feel and how he would accept this. It might hit the right nerves with him, help him to understand, but you may never get any response to that. Or he might not care which is the other extreme. My guess is he's in the middle somewhere. He's decided to completely upend his (and everyone else's) life for some reason that must hold some value to him as destructive as it is. You do have the right to express how you feel about it and to let him be fully aware. But unfortunately, that's the most any of us can do and you would have to be prepared for whatever reaction, or no reaction. I could see myself doing this but I could also see myself waiting for a response that never comes or a response that hurts more...so like so many things it's a mixed bag and it comes down to: what do you want? Do you really want him to know how you feel? Than you have to tell him. But have no expectations. We take action because WE want to take action, but that doesn't mean it will lead to any particular outcomes.

I disagree with the advice that you should write him a letter and tell him how you feel. Your husband is not a safe person for you to open up your feelings to; every time you show him your belly, he kicks you in it.

Your husband knows how much you love him and how much you mean to him. He relied on your love and your trust to continue betraying you without consequence. If he doesn’t know how you feel, it’s because he’s an idiot.

You have to understand that his disregard of you and your feelings doesn’t reflect badly on you of a person— it just shows that he is a selfish, self-indulgent, shallow person who thinks only of himself and no one else.

Unless there is an urgent matter regarding your daughter, you shouldn’t be communicating with him at all. It’s bad for your mental health. There are parenting apps that you can use to coordinate schedules and communicate. Use those.

No communication = no new hurts.

He’s told you that him leaving is what’s best for you and your daughter. You should believe him.