SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, this post is more a commentary on me than on counselors or counseling. I get that.

I have had brief counseling a few times in my life. Short term efforts to save a previous marriage. Issues/worries with kids. And of course, that which we shall not speak of here. None of which were particularly helpful. Frankly, more like frustrating.

And now, I am in counseling…"grief counseling". For about 6 months now.

I like this counselor. I appreciate his kindness and knowledge. Much of our time together is spent discussing certain truths about emotions / behaviors regarding human behaviors and difficulties that people have. It’s a little bit more like a college psychology course than what I have in my mind "counseling" should be like. I think this is 95% my responsibility. I think he follows my lead. I very much like to understand things intellectually, and I have shied away from hurtful things. A novel approach to grief counseling, wouldn’t you say? 🙄

I have very recently experienced the onset of an ongoing and extremely emotionally hurtful situation in my life, and I have found myself thinking that I was anxious to get back to speak with my counselor about it. Only tonight, pacing the floor and stressing myself out, it has it dawned on me that NO ONE is able to help me. AND BY "HELP", I MEAN SHOW / TELL ME HOW TO "FIX" THE SITUATION.

I am almost certain that for you all, this will seem like a… "WELL, DUH"… situation. But at age 72, it has hit me like a ton of bricks that no amount of counseling or any kind of help provided by anyone – no matter how well meaning – is going to change anything.

THE ONLY THING IT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO CHANGE IS MY "PERCEPTION" OR "HOW I FEEL" ABOUT WHATEVER ISSUES I’M GOING THROUGH.

As immature as this sounds, this is HIGHLY upsetting to me. It makes me rethink counseling. Now my train of thought is more like "there’s nothing he can do about the situation to change it...so why go?" All that he will be able to do is to perhaps help me understand and accept it. But that is so unacceptable to me. I have a current situation with my granddaughter, and I’m not interested so much in my feelings about the situation… But of answers on how to… If not "fix" it, at least soften it or make it better.

I don’t know how to accept this. I don’t know if I have even made anything clear, but I am wondering if anyone can explain this to me. Or is the only answer going to be… "Nobody can "fix" anything… or "talk to your counselor about it"? (Cue, repeat of my situation.)

BTW… sorry for the buzz kill! I realize that usually posts on this forum are lighthearted and many times fun.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:46 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

… and I have also just realized that in posting this, I am asking you all to "fix" a situation —- in a post about how people cannot "fix" other people‘s issues.

Jesus.

You’re right. I go when I have a hard time finding a way to accept things. Mine has said some very concrete ways to cope with things.

I’m a physician- OB, so she has helped me break things down to a timeline. Like pregnancy. It will end. The suffering will end, but it will feel like it goes on forever.

That truth was helpful. But yeah. It doesn’t fix the shit happening. They just help you use all of your coping skills and remind you of what they are when you spiral.

I only go when I need help coping, or legit don’t understand something and can’t see my way out.

Yeah, just to validate your experience- no one can fix shit. Even you sometimes, unless it is shit you’re tolerating and need to not tolerate. Or shit originating from you. They can just help you get good boots to wear as you walk through the shit and remind you that it’s only shit and it will wash off. And you’ll prolly have to walk through more shit in your life, it’s not a one time thing.

Maybe that’s helpful. Or maybe not.

And sometimes you take a break to grow, too. All valid things.

It sounds like you’re using rationalization as a coping skill (understanding something better to cope with it). That’s my super power. But it does make therapy less emotionally helpful. Maybe tap into the emotion if you want. Or not. Right now maybe rationalizing is keeping you afloat. And when you’re rational, you’re going to see things rationally. And yeah, no one can fix things for you. That’s really fucking a rational thought.

What about the irrational thoughts? Those are little extra turds in the shit storm. Go there.

I agree and disagree, but mainly disagree.

A good counselor sees things about the client that the client doesn't see about themself. That insight in itself can help you find the solution you're looking for.

And listening can help you find the words you need to find the solution you're looking for.

I'm sorry that you're in pain again. You deserve peace and love.

You have found the secret of counseling, if it is done well. The thing is that you have what you need to make it through. And as 3yrsout put so well, a counselor can help you see where you need new coping skills or where you are blinded by what is in front of you, in denial of what is really happening. But ultimately it IS you that will get yourself better. And you will.

You have been through A LOT in your life. And you survived, found joy, and kept going. Amazing how strong you are. But when we are in yet another tough spot, it is hard to see that strength, so that path forward. And what worked before may not work this time- as we all know, trauma comes in lots of different flavors that may need to be addressed differently. A good IC can help you sound that out, gently point out where we may be too hard on ourselves or not being honest with ourselves. They can help you with coping skills and honestly just be being a supportive ear to listen as we talk through the turmoil.

Grief is unique to me. recently I heard a quote that said you don’t get over grief but rather you learn to bring it with you. It will always be there, but hopefully quieter and more like a companion rather than dominating all emotions.

So the grit and fortitude you have in spades and have used to push through all the past issues may not be what you need now. I too like to fully understand what I am going through— I’m an engineer and love some facts and figures. But getting in touch with my fears, my wounds, my quiet desperation has been so hard. I am the tough, analytical girl who could not show emotion(military family, all brothers, tough as nails mom, male-dominated career, married someone just like my mom…) so when my old coping didn’t work, it took a lot for me to allow the vulnerability to figure out what would work. It took me three therapists until I found the right fit and approach. It’s not like a doctor who gives you a prescription and some PT and in a few weeks all is good as new. It’s more like a safe space to be the caterpillar that is metamorphosing into the butterfly, but you are in your cocoon alone with their support, encouraging you and reminding you of the goal and how you have all you need to make these big changes.

I guess what I am trying to say (poorly) is that it sounds like you are doing great. TELL YOUR THERAPIST what you are feeling. He works for YOU and if you say "this has been nice but what I really want is "X", then you can have that conversation. And if he is worth his salt, he’ll be grateful for your candor and be willing and happy to help alter the therapy to get where you want to go. And it is totally normal to have moments of frustration and impatience - and you should voice them. (I really struggled with this - I wanted my therapist to like me and to think I was their A+ student….what they wanted was for me to be REAL and voice my real concerns and struggles and needs and desires. Take the plunge and tell them. It will be worth it.)

And as hard as it is, but honest and brave about your deepest darkest fears and concerns. Bring them to the light. It is not fun - I cried a TON in therapy - but it will show you where you need to show yourself how strong and amazing you are and how far you have come.

Also, good to hear from you. Your voice has been missed around here :-). Hope you are otherwise doing okay and enjoying your family and pups.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:50 PM, Friday, January 2nd]

1. Sorry you have new grief and stress. You are the last person that needs more difficulties

2. Have you set goals with the therapist? A good therapist should be helping with goal setting and giving direction when heading the wrong way.

3. I too have found a little bit of help with therapy like 3 yrs said a few situations in my life where I want to talk through what's going on check me that my thoughts aren't off or out of line and assurance or direction ti my plan forward. Which I have always done in 3 visits or less. I have a mental health RN therapist instead of a social worker therapist because im there to get shit done not spend my life coming for validation and back patting. Not how I roll and not how she rolls either.

Thank you so very much for responding.

The more I think about the things that you all have said, the more I realize there are two reasons that I am going to counseling at this point.

One thing is for sure - I want this man who is so much better educated than I regarding this type of thing, to tell me what to do. You know, like a resource. Like what can I do to step in and try to turn the situation around as much as would be possible? (Of course there’s nothing to be done about losing my husband. But some of the things going on now are in regards to my children… And I don’t know how to let go of the notion that I’m their mom and I need to help them in whatever healthy way that I can. I don’t even agree with the notion that I should not help when I can). There are times I go in to counseling and I don’t really get any answers. But there are other times that I go in and by him guiding me through the conversation, I find at least some small thing that I could do that would be helpful. Yesterday, I was trying to figure out what I could do to be of help to one of my sons, but in a way that he would be able to accept, considering where he’s coming from. And then in all of my rambling, I heard myself figure something out just by rambling and him guiding me through the minefield. It just came to me that my son loves to read and learn things on his own, so I asked him if - rather than me trying to discuss things with son - if he would be able to give me the name of a book that could explain some of the things that he’s going through and how to navigate it as well as possible. A completely obvious thing, but it didn’t occur to me until I heard myself describing my son and how he didn’t like to learn things from me directly, but more so on his own.

Another reason I go is to get his feedback about where I am emotionally and even functionally. Sometimes I just think to myself… "I don’t know how much good can come from my counseling today, but if he could just tell me that I’m doing a good job"… Making progress, you know. Because a year and a half out, some friends and family are either uncomfortable with discussions about grief and such, or begin to pity you… And that I cannot tolerate. Or else they tell you how marvelous you are doing and you know that is not true. Or the very worst… You wanna talk about it, and they’re tired of hearing about it. And they would just rather avoid the negative.

About the time I feel like I am making some progress, either I tell myself that I absolutely am not… or something else pops up.

This morning, my youngest… My son, who just got out of jail 3 months ago texted me and then called to let me know that he was let go from the job that he has. He said that he had gotten a job directly with the company – not through an employment agency. And that they were so pleased with his work that they were going to offer him more hours and a more secure position… Like a step up, I guess. But they called him into the office and told him that due to the "promotion" that they had in mind, they had to run a "next level" background check, and that something in his background was not available to them and that was not acceptable, so they let him go. He assumes it was the federal charge. I don’t really understand what is and is not included in a background check. Anyway, he seemed positive about it. He says that he thinks by this time next year, he will be finished with barber school and can get started in that direction. He also is wanting to start a mobile detailing business.

I told him that sadly, he was going to need to expect this type of thing until he could find his niche… And that running his own detailing business and being a barber are two areas that could be less inhibited by his record.

I appreciate your kind thoughts about my struggles. I don’t feel that I am doing such a good job with all of it. I’ve never felt overly strong because I react emotionally to things. And in many situations throughout our marriage, my husband was my strength. One reason I think certain struggles we had hit me so hard… If you know what I mean. I try very hard to be strong. And positive… Something I’ve been working on for a long time.

The biggest problem I have with any and everything in my life is how things can hurt people that I love. I think I was helpful to my son when he text me this morning. I told him how sorry I was that this was happening, but that realistically he had to expect that this could happen from time to time. I told him I was impressed that he was setting his sites for things a little bit in the future… Like that he was not expecting things to happen immediately. I told him I knew that he had this, and that with some patience, he was going to be able to achieve so much.

But after we hung up, and shared a couple of texts… I broke down. He made some really bad mistakes, and has paid the legal price for that. But now comes the everyday living prices that he has to pay. And I totally get that. I guess I’m just emotionally immature enough to be devastated when those that I love are hurting. But I know that these things that he will be facing along the way will define who he is. They will either break him, or they will give him resolve.

In the absence of needing to take care of my husband, which had become a full-time job in the later years of his life, I have tried to gain perspective about my life from here forward. And I absolutely and totally believe that the greatest joy I could have and the greatest thing that I could achieve would be to prepare my kids as much as possible for what they are to face in the many years that they have left.

I just wish I could do it without the fear and pain and frustrations. Me and everyone in the world, right?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:18 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

First off...I want to send my deepest condolences and prayers over the loss of your husband. I had been off of this site for a while and didn't know that he had passed away (((HUGS))).

But at age 72, it has hit me like a ton of bricks that no amount of counseling or any kind of help provided by anyone – no matter how well meaning – is going to change anything.

I guess I’m just emotionally immature enough to be devastated when those that I love are hurting. But I know that these things that he will be facing along the way will define who he is. They will either break him, or they will give him resolve.

You are not alone with these thoughts Dear Lady (((HUGS))). When we are IN a situation it feels a lot different than when we take ourselves out of it just a bit. Counselors can help us with that sometimes...IF we let them . I remember arguing with a counselor once until it finally dawned on me what she was trying to get at . My mind couldn't comprehend any other solution than the one I was thinking of...which wasn't a good solution at all.

An analogy that is used in other forums talk about how a person gets into a car accident through no fault of their own. Their leg is broken in the accident. It is sad and unfair! But in order to HEAL...the person has to put in the work and therapy on their own. No one else can do it for them. But there are people who can HELP because they know which therapy to use to get the leg back to as normal a range as it can be .

No one else knows the thoughts that pervade our minds constantly. Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts. I pray that you will be able to find some PEACE soon...you sure deserve it!

Your precious sons WILL find their way too . As much as you WANT to...just like you said in your first post...no one can get your sons on THEIR path in life. They are the only ones who can figure this out. But by being there for them...listening to them and giving them your advice...you are helping in more ways than you can imagine .

All that he will be able to do is to perhaps help me understand and accept it. But that is so unacceptable to me.

I used to say the Serenity Prayer over and over again when I first came on here...but there was NO WAY I was able to ACCEPT what happened to me!! I have written about this often...but one day I was watching a show on the Animal Channel...I believe it was about meerkats. The commentator made a statement about how they were able to ADAPT to a situation in their environment. He said that those who did not or could not ADAPT did not survive. AHA!!! That comment hit me like a ton of bricks!!

I don't EVER have to ACCEPT anything that is so unacceptable to me. BUT I can ADAPT to my new environment and move forward . You don't HAVE to accept what is unacceptable to you either Dear Lady! But you have adapted to MANY situations in the past...and you WILL find a way to adapt to this situation as well . It truly is all about perspective.

For ME...when there is something I can't physically DO to help...I pray . For YOU...it may be calling the counselor. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best...but I tend to overthink...and end up going through all kinds of scenarios before realizing the first scenario was the one to go with !! Praying keeps me focused and calms me in a way nothing else does . When you find what works for YOU...it will open up a place for PEACE for you as well! Just keep moving forward !

Thank you all for your kind responses and helpful suggestions. And stark realities… I guess that is what I need the most.

This…from Want2BeHappyAgain

you don’t get over grief but rather you learn to bring it with you. It will always be there, but hopefully quieter and more like a companion rather than dominating all emotions.

This was so very helpful to me. First of all, it is true. But secondly, especially in grieving the loss of my husband, I find the grief somehow welcomed. I know that sounds weird,. Maybe it’s because I feel blessed to have had something… That when I lost it, it caused me grief.

And my grief… when in check… Is a comfort to me.

In some bizarre way, that situation is both a comfort to me in that I have sort of wrapped it up and put a bow on it – or I’m at least trying to put that bow on it – but the issues with my sons remain. And hopefully will always remain (in that. hopefully they will long outlive me).

Last week, for example… My sister comes bounding through my house at about 12:30 AM. My son has been arrested out of town and has been trying to get in touch with me. Evidently my phone was dead, even though plugged in.

I finally spoke to him on her phone when he called back, to find the horrible news that he had been arrested on charges of possession and intent to resell, meth and fentanyl. There was nothing I could do at that point because of the hour, and because the echo was so overwhelming in the booking area that I could not even understand what he was saying. So I just had no choice but to get through the night and head that way the next morning.

As I was driving to the town about an hour away from our home to look into what was happening with my son, I get a phone call from my youngest son telling me that the truck he had gotten just one day before, had been stolen out of the parking lot of the apartment complex where he lives.

So I’m worried sick about my oldest son, trying to find the police station, and the bail bondsman, and try to get that taken care of. And all the while trying to do what I can to soothe my youngest son’s frustrations. He’s working so hard at barber school and a part-time job to help contribute to his family’s expenses. I finally had to just pull over on the side of the road and try to "talk him down" a little bit while I saw the clock ticking away to getting to my son who is in jail.

Please don’t think that I don’t completely understand that the struggles I have in my life and have been having are nothing compared to what some people go through. But sometimes if I wasn’t hurting so badly, it would seem comical to me. Maybe it’s the number of struggles that I run into, or the rapid sequence of them sometimes.

Oh, and did I mention that my oldest son… About two weeks before being arrested, was in a car accident and totaled his vehicle. The insurance company with whom he had full coverage offered him less than 1/3 of what it was valued.

And… On the way home from picking him up from jail, after the police told him that his car was in police impound and he would have to get a lawyer to get it out… He said he just didn’t even want his car. They could have it.

The thought that always enters my mind at times like these I think is best described as "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" and then, "If only my husband was here he would know what to do."

So, a nasty little cycle as you can see.

Sometimes, I even remind myself of my husband’s lapses in strength and the times that I had to transverse the troubled times on my own. Unfortunately, instead of reminding me of my strength, it takes me back to my sadness.

Anyway, obviously much to be done in counseling. I go on Tuesday. When I tell him what happened last week he will just shake his head and smile at me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I’m just imagining all the things I tell him!

Anyway, I’ll get through it. I mean, what choice is there? With my birth family as well as with my almost 40 year long marriage and family, "never give up" has been the theme. So I don’t plan to. THIS I can control, if nothing else.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, my son‘s situation is not quite as dire as it seems regarding the drug charge. We have secured a lawyer to get his car out of police impound. Lawyer says the search and seizure of his car was unlawful. And as a result, any charges of drugs in the car were unlawful or unsubstantiated. I don’t understand at all.

I did have a long talk with my son. There was I think 1/3 of a gram of drugs. They were in his wallet. The same wallet he had opened in front of the police to give his license and registration to them, and then tossed back in his car. Trouble was he was giving an acquaintance a ride back to his home to make a little money… Like an Uber thing. Doing a favor and getting paid. The police didn’t ask the passenger to get out of the car and my son guesses that was when this other guy put drugs in his wallet.

I hear what you’re thinking. How do I know the drugs did not belong to my son? I guess I don’t know that.

He has calmed down a bit and has worked tirelessly on the phone night and day to get a fair reimbursement through his insurance for his total vehicle. And two secure an attorney to get his other vehicle out of police impound. He’s a little like me I guess… He’s sort of implodes when something happens, then sits with it a while and figures out how to proceed.

I don’t guess I will ever know for certain that the drugs weren’t his. But I do know him pretty well and I can usually tell when he’s lying. And he has never had a drug charge.

Also, in the midst of all of this, where we are in the calendar has hit me… And I’ve realized that my son has been having a hard time. This is about the time of year that he last spoke to his dad.