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Well I’ve made it this far. Six months since d day. I suppose it’s an achievement and in many ways it feels like it. I’m not totally devastated all the time, just some of it. My WW is working to repair the damage she caused, albeit imperfectly.

There are also challenges. The pain is still pretty intense and I deal with sadness most days. My wife tries to read me and check up on me. But it’s always there on some level. Always

That’s part of it I guess. Most of the time the pain isn’t as intense as it once was. The shock has worn off. But I’m learning that I’ll have to accept that things will never be what they were. There will always be this thing that she did and I’ll never see her, or is, on the same way.

We are approaching several one year marks. I know when the affair started, when the first pictures were sent, when the lies really got going , etc. I can tell those are going to be hard days.

What advice can you offer on this next phase? How do you handle the anniversary triggers?

I’m not sure I have any advice other than be patient and kind to yourself. I think I was on a similar timeline as you—I found out about my husband’s affair about six months after it started, and so six months later I was staring down six months of triggers/reminders/anniversaries. Usually it turned out that the dread beforehand was worse than the experience of the anniversaries, mostly because I was still so devastated and preoccupied that I was feeling the effects of his infidelity all the time anyway. It took me over two years before the affair didn’t dominate my emotional space on a daily basis. Time is really the only thing that got me past that. Now, at five years out, the affair no longer dominates my headspace. I sometimes still feel sad about it, and I go through triggers/fears a few times a year, but life is pretty normal. My relationship with my husband has changed, but it’s pretty healthy and satisfying on the whole.

Early on, the thing that helped me most was to deliberately choose activities that were worthwhile, fulfilling, and joyful. For me, that meant spending intentional quality time with my children, doing outdoor activities, and spending time on creative pursuits. Those things didn’t cure my sadness and grief, but they gave me a vision for what a fulfilling life could be beyond/despite infidelity and betrayal. Also, reading Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving Beyond Betrayal really helped me.

Best of luck. You will get through this and find yourself on the other side. It’s just really hard, and it takes time.

My reco is to go with your flow. Know what you feel - stay in touch with your feelings and accept them as you move between and back and forth to anger, grief, fear, shame, and whatever else you may feel.

Observe your WS. Keep asking and answering 'What do I want?' 'How good a candidate for R is my WS?'

The 1st 'antiversaries' are tough for a lot of of us. I was a wreck from the start of A season to d-day, and I felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted on the antiversary of d-day.

YMMV - but I think you'll keep recovering if you go with your flow.

My IC suggested laying new memories on top of the old. A weekend away, etc. It has worked well for us.

But I’m learning that I’ll have to accept that things will never be what they were. There will always be this thing that she did and I’ll never see her, or is, on the same way.

Ask someone who is a year out like you, and the sentiments may be the same. Ask someone 5 years out, and it will probably be different. Ask someone 20 years out, and it will again likely be different.

The truth is, you just don't know. Based on statistics, if you both keep trying, it will get monumentally better. I would bet that you are vastly different today than, say, 10 months ago.

I remember thinking quite often after Dday, like yourself, that I can never have what I once thought my marriage would be. My image of what I expected can now never be.

We simply don't know our future. I can say that while I still think of what my wife did to me years ago, it is now more of something that won't ever be forgotten, but doesn't loom over us either. She has done many great things before and after infidelity. Is everything is life tarnished, and revolve around that time? At one year out, like you are now, that answer would have been a 100% guaranteed 'yes'. By now, I have had much time, and consistent actions from her, that my thought process has evolved, and I have to take responsibility in my part that (1) I wanted my marriage to work, (2) I chose to stay in the marriage, and (3) with that choice, I don't possess the right to *punish* my wife, in my own mind, for something that she clearly regrets, hurts over, and has shown that she will never wants to be that person again. If a year or two defines an entire person's life, then why even try to change?

Yes, it hurts immensely, and changes us forever, but not all in negative ways. Sure the negative greatly outweigh the positives, but we usually, in some ways, change for the better.

What advice can you offer on this next phase? How do you handle the anniversary triggers?

Kind of like sisoon and the others have mentioned---you have to go with how you truly feel about it. If you're hurting, let her know it...constructively. If you need to be alone, then do so. If you need her right next to you, then do that. These triggers hurt like hell, but the more that you face them, and feel them, the better that you will process it so next time it isn't as intense. Right now, EVERYTHING....every date, every comment, every action....seems to revolve around infidelity. There's no fast-forwarding out of it. Just like in the very early days post Dday, it was taking like one minute at a time. Then it was an hour. Maybe today, it is one day at a time. Rarely is there and 'aha' moment to speed up the healing. It is usually a slow march forward.